How to choose a wedding reading that isn’t terrible

Ah, weddings. The bigger, the better. The grander, the greater. The more heartfelt, the hotter.

I am, of course, kidding. I am the world’s worst future bride, and I’m truly bored of all things wedding. And with such enthusiasm for the topic, it seemed only natural that I’d write at least a couple of posts about weddings at some point. I’ve already done one, now here is another. Get me.

So. What should you use as a wedding reading? It’s a thorny issue. The thorniness mainly stems from the fact that nobody really wants you to have any readings in the first place. Actual wedding ceremonies are dull, and the sooner they’re over with and the drinking starts, the better. All I ever wanted as a guest was to get through a ceremony without having to listen to a Shakespeare sonnet which the bride and groom picked from  ‘100 Romantic Readings For Your Wedding’ without really understanding it, and chose to just hope that all of the language was complimentary (it wasn’t) and the overall tone was positive (wrong again).

But if you do insist on dragging the thing out longer than strictly necessary, here are a few suggestions for some alternative wedding readings that might just make everything a little more interesting. Or might at least mean that your nan dozes off maybe five minutes later. And really, those five minutes are precious. Five minutes might be the difference between your uncle’s nice suit getting covered in old lady drool and, well, not.

Books: The refuge of desperate nearly-weds. The curse of their wedding guests.

Idea #1: A kid’s story.

Not completely original, of course. I think I went to a wedding once where there was a reading about a dinosaur looking for a friend. It was all very twee, and cute, and lovely, and I only threw up in my mouth a tiny bit. But what about a reading from a good kid’s book that people actually like? Sleepover Club? A cheeky bit of Harry Potter? Maybe even a section from the Very Hungry Caterpillar to (wrongly) raise people’s hopes about the reception food? These are all good ideas. You pick your favourite.

Idea #2: Sales blurb from Match.com (Replace with online dating service of choice)

There’s no shame in online dating. I’ve dabbled in it myself on occasion (What, just because I met my fiancé 3 years ago before apps were such a huge thing I have to miss out on the Tinder train? I don’t think so. At this point in my life I basically live for charms on Happn.) It’s fun and convenient. And what better advert than if you meet someone on a dating site and end up marrying them? You could probably try and claim a sponsorship deal. I’m not saying it’d work, but you could try. And this would be a huge step in the right direction.

Idea #3: Song Lyrics.

Again, not super original. A lot of people choose to have song lyrics read out like a poem these days. It’s artsy and just the right level of hipster. Not so hipster it’s obnoxious, and not so not-hipster it’s everybody’s doing it. But what I’m proposing is that you get, like, The Macarena read out in a super-serious way. Tell your friends and family it was the song that was playing when you met and dare them to laugh. Get it all on tape and have your own laugh later.

Idea #4: Hello Magazine.

Your wedding is not as interesting, or as luxurious as that of some obscure member of the Spanish Royal Family. So let’s have a look at what you could have won!

Idea #5: The Newspaper.

Election promises and failing NHS Trusts are romantic, right? Thought so.

This is, of course, just a small selection of ideas that you are free to use. If anybody does decide to do the song thing, and needs somebody to do a heartfelt reading of Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’, I am 100% available. I often publicly do such readings anyway, and it would be lovely for it to have a purpose and not be on the street.

So, how about you? What food do you daydream about when you’re stuck in the world’s most uncomfortable chair and have to pretend to be interested in listening to a wedding reading? Or, you know, another question…

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