Sometimes you find yourself in the situation where you just know you’re a fish out of water. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but at the same time you just know you don’t belong where you are and at any second you could be found out and promptly thrown out. This happened to me last weekend when I went away to a fancy hotel, only to realise it was a really fancy hotel, with the kind of fancy people I don’t know how to behave around. With that experience in mind I thought it was a good idea to set out my tips for how to behave when you’re out of your depth in a posh hotel. Because one day we’ll all be there.
Tip #1: The second you open the door to your room, begin charging from one side to the other (since it’s a nice hotel with large rooms, this may take you a while) and exclaim really loudly about all of the things. “Ooh, look at the size of the bed!”, “Look at the size of the TV!”, “Look at the size of the shower!”. It’s what all the other guests will definitely have done, because rich people don’t have giant widescreen TVs and king-size beds either.
Tip #2: When, after five minutes of being there, you realise you’ve forgotten your hairbrush, don’t panic. Do spend the next fifteen minutes frantically trying to comb it with your fingers, putting it up and trying to convince it to stay there, and inventing new scarf-or-hat-based hair coverings so that nobody sees the really obvious sign that you don’t have your shit together.
Tip #3: Similarly, when you realise you’ve forgotten to bring your razor, you should know that it’s such a nice place they’ll probably be able to supply you with one, but choose not to phone the desk, because you don’t want to admit you’re a mess. Trousers it is, then, for the entire break. Here’s hoping you don’t spill your dinner with your usual frequency.
Tip #4: Use all the facilities. No, you don’t usually go to the gym, but do it just this once. Even though you’re probably just going to bounce up and down on an exercise ball in the corner and eyeball the men lifting weights. It’s included in the price of the room, therefore you must spend time there. Also make use of the sauna. And if you happen to end up in a man-sandwich with an elderly Italian and a camp man in tiny trunks then so be it. Style it out like you know what you’re doing. And where you should look. And how long you’re supposed to cook yourself.
Tip #5: Suddenly get into reading the papers. All of the papers. Because they’ll provide them for free and just think of all that litter tray lining you’ll be able to do when you get back!
But this is all just my two cents. What would you do to make sure a fancy place didn’t find out that you’re really a peasant? I’m always looking to up my game…