WTF Weddings

I’m supposed to be planning a wedding next year. That wedding is my own. I’m not really naturally interested in wedding-y stuff, despite all of my best efforts to the contrary. I mean, I’m on Pinterest, I look in the windows when I walk past wedding dress shops, and I’ll read the occasional wedding blog post. That should be enough, surely? But it seems like maybe it isn’t. My main idea for my own wedding is to have it not be shit, which is possibly too general. There are so many different parts of the wedding planning process that I can’t get my head around, so I’ve decided to break it down one-by-one and see if that helps me to get to grips with the really confusing parts. Today, I’m putting Chair Covers under the microscope. Presumably you know the things I’m talking about? They’re generally white, and often have a ribbon tied around to correspond with the colour theme.

I seriously do not see the point of the chair cover except that it gives venues an opportunity to whack the price of a wedding package up a couple of hundred more pounds.  They hide the fact that the chairs are chairs, except that they don’t, because people are still sitting on chair-shaped objects that can only really be one thing. But now all of their chair-esque features have been masked by a big, white,  chair-shaped envelope. Often complete with bow. They are very stressful for the Average Joe Food-Dropper, because they add yet another spotless, white surface to a dinner situation where good behaviour is already expected. Who needs the stress?

As a bride-to-be, the ‘crazy’ switch in my brain is supposed to have flicked by now, to make me think that hiding chairs is worth the money. However, there’s been a glitch. The way I see it, there are three possible reasons for people to be choosing to use them.

Disgusting arse shelves.

Disgusting arse shelves.

1. Snobbishness. Chairs are disgusting. They have been touched by arses. The arses of people. The arses of the general public. Not even familiar arses. Stranger arses. Of course they must be covered up because otherwise you know everyone’s going to get gastroenteritis from just looking at all of the chairs in that room. Just hundreds and hundreds of filthy arse-ledges. What bride wants to be reminded of the existence of arses on her wedding day. Cover the evidence!

Holders of commoners.

Holders of commoners.

2. Snobbishness. People want to pretend on their wedding day that they and their family are so special on this most special of all days, that they do not even need a chair to hold them up. They can eat their prawn-cocktail-followed-by-the-beef while levitating both majestically and effortlessly, on nothing but a cloud of pride and relief. Just, uh, don’t look at the white thing underneath them that’s shaped like a chair, because it’s not a chair, they’re too special for chairs, how dare you insinuate that they would need such objects to on this most auspicious of days. The mother-in-law is holier-than-thou because see how she hovers upon that delicate, white – um – cloud.

Flaunting their nudity. Pairing off. What are we, in a sex club?

Flaunting their nudity. Pairing off. What are we, in a sex club?

 3. Snobbishness. A return to Victorian values. The covering of piano legs was all the rage when the covering of female legs was too. And when a woman suddenly wears white again like it means something (no criticism here because I am totally doing the same thing), maybe we’re not supposed to want to see all of those naked chair legs. Disgusting. What is this, the Chip ‘n’ Dales? I mean, they are Chippendale, but still. Such a rich brown, and so curvy, and so hard and- I’m sorry I lost my train of thought.

Sadly. as far as I’m concerned, chair covers remain weird and pointless. I cannot for the life of me figure them out. Why, as a bride, am I supposed to be ashamed of sitting in a bog-standard chair? Answers on a post card please. I’ll just be in the corner waiting. Sitting on a chair. Feelin’ grubby.


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