Lip-stick Your Neck Out

"That's right, Nicola. If you pull this face nobody will notice that you applied it unevenly..."

“That’s right, Nicola. If you pull this face nobody will notice that you applied it unevenly…”

Red lipstick is tricky.

This is a lie we’re all told, all the time. ‘We’ being people like me who spend way too long reading magazines and staring at Pinterest. The human race as a whole may not be being told this all the time. I mean, there are children starving in Africa, so for them it’s probably only the fourth or fifth most frequent thing they’re hearing. If that.

But on the whole it seems like red lipstick is a pretty big deal when, in fact, if you want to put red lipstick on your face then put red lipstick on your face. All over it. It’s your face.

The difficulty isn’t in the wearing of red lipstick, it’s in the fact that if you haven’t done it every day since birth (and if you have you’re awesome and your parents are weird) then people are going to notice the change. And at our age people feel the need to comment on changes. Not in a bad way, just in an ‘ooh, you look nice’ kind of a way. But it’s still enough to make you aware that you’ve made a noticeable change, which is not what people necessarily want. And it also brings you to the horrible realisation that the person who now thinks you look nice may not have done so before, because they’re awful.

So I’ve come up with a couple of suggestions as to how you can wear red lipstick and avoid that awkward ‘ooh, you look nice’ phase, before everyone just gets bored with your stupid face again only, this time, with the regular application of lipstick.

Ninja lipstick.

Ninja lipstick.

1. Apply it in sections. If you add a little bit every time you disappear to the loo/have a cigarette/just wander around aimlessly nobody will ever even notice. That’s a guarantee. Stealth.

2. Adopt the practice of wearing a surgical mask to work. This will be easier if you are a surgeon by trade. If not, you may find you have to then find ways of hiding the surgical mask to avoid similar comments about that. But I cannot so everything to help you, so please feel free to come up with your own solutions for that one.

3. Go full-on ‘Will from The Inbetweeners at 1:17 in the above video’ every time someone asks you about it. It will also be excellent scat singing practice, so you’ll be a multitasker!

Anyway, full disclosure, I have not yet gone a full day wearing red lipstick. I took the top picture on my lunch break, and I hid behind a tree to put the stuff on, and had also squirrelled away a wipe so I could immediately remove it to save question/comment time when I went back to my desk. But do as I say, not as I do!

Happy Monday!

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