As an organised and put-together adult person I’m often asked how I manage to get everywhere I have to be, and how I manage to be fashionably early, looking completely sussed and stylish, and not at all red-faced and sweaty. Let me tell you, it is tough. But it’s not impossible. Have a look at the steps I put together below, and you too can be the very model of savvy, sophisticated ladydom.
Step 1: If you have nothing to do before your event, get dressed in the clothes you’re planning on wearing immediately, thereby saving yourself time later on because you won’t have to scrabble through your floordrobe on your hands and knees smell testing everything to see what you have that’s acceptable to humankind. Once you have the only thing that fits that description, chillax. Go about your day. Get sucked into a youtube black hole of snoring ducks and giggling kittens. Do whatever it is that you do.
Step 2: Look at the clock and realise it’s only five minutes before you have to leave.
Step 3: Look down at your outfit, thanking your lucky stars that you were organised enough to put it on in advance. Notice, with dismay, that it’s now saturated with tea stains, toast crumbs and any and all other snacks you enjoyed while enjoying our free ‘chillaxing’ time.
Step 4: Scrabble through your floordrobe on your hands and knees smell testing everything to see what you have that’s acceptable to humankind.
Step 5: Pull on something super-sexy and awesome looking which is definitely appropriate for what it is you’re going to. It might be those wet-look leggings, that bodycon dress, those skyscraper heels… You were saving it for an occasion and this one’s perfect. People wear this kind of stuff all the time and it’s not like people ever raise their eyebrows.
Step 6: Okay, people do wear this kind of stuff all the time, and nobody ever raises their eyebrows, and you do look good, but maybe just a bit… unexpected? You don’t want your friends not to recognise you; or your new networking contacts to have an unrealistic idea of what you might look like if they come to work with you again; or for people to keep going on about how nice you look but with that tone of surprise, like it’s unexpected, which is, frankly, insulting. Opt to change into one of your old faithful outfits. At least this way the fancy stuff will still be waiting for the next occasion at which you can wear it in public. And you’re totally going to wear it in public…
Step 7: In the light of your recent failure to choose an outfit that in any way stands out or makes you look like the diva you know you are on the inside, try to switch up your look just enough to appear noticeably better. A statement necklace, supercool hairdo, no vest under that super cool sheer top.
Step 8: Go back and forth several times, removing said necklace, taking out said hairdo, changing said top, and then putting it all back again. After several attempts and multiple unnatural poses in the mirror, give up and go with Old Faithful, Classic version.
Step 9: OK, makeup. Wouldn’t this be the perfect moment to try facial contouring for the first time?
Step 10: Look at the clock, realise you were supposed to leave half an hour ago and, um, run. My bad.